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The Challenge of Freedom, Space, and the American Way

by Steven Martin Cohen

As this great nation of ours pirouettes into the next century, we face many new and interesting challenges, both technologically and politically. Many feel America's greatest accomplishments of the 20th century were the conquest of communism, landing a man on the moon, and deficit spending on a galactic scale. America is certainly a land of opportunity -- a country with a mission -- a mission that everyone from politicians to Superman would resoundingly agree is truth, justice, and the American way. Truth and justice aside, our mission on planet earth is the American way. It will always be the American way -- from sea to shining sea -- from north pole to south -- from Arkansas to Africa -- our single-minded mission is the beautiful American way. The freedom franchises are circling the globe at this very moment, conquering country after country. The dominos are falling, and everyone wants to be on that great American gameshow, cheering behind the smiling master or mistress of ceremonies in the polka dot suit with the cane in his or her hand -- Mr. or Ms. America him or herself. But where do we go from here?

To the stars, I say. Let us export the American way to the heavens. We owe the American way to the rest of the galaxy, and the universe itself.

We landed a man on the moon. We planted the American flag. We came. We saw. We left. But the moon is a mere sixth the size of the earth. This is small potatoes for the American way. If the space program has taught us anything at all, it is that Americans should dream big. Americans have always been ambitious, and I feel it is no time to stop now. I think we should set our goals on more grand, more distant game rather than our bland little gray satellite moon in the sky. I believe we should next set our sights on the sun.

The sun is a mere 93,000,000 miles away. This star is 864,000 miles in diameter. The surface area of the sun is 781,700,000,000 square miles. Since a more palatable unit of exchange in real estate is the acre, the sun possesses 500,000,000,000,000 (trillion) acres of untapped land upon which we can export the American way. Imagine millions of Americans living and working and raising our American children on the sun -- the beautiful American mosaic exported to our nearest neighboring star.

Scientists tell us that the sun is a rich source of energy. The sun is presently uninhabited. The sun is always warm. The sun is always sunny. The sun is a real estate broker's dream come true. The sun is the next great opportunity to challenge the genius of the American free spirit. The sun is waiting to be colonized by rugged Americans, proud and free. While there are no oceans on the sun, which robs us of that otherwise valuable waterfront property, the sun remains a developer's bonanza -- malls and movie theaters, condos and co-ops, pizza parlors and plazas of glowing plasma as far as the eye can see. I can see the architectural plans now.

As Americans, we owe it to ourselves to claim the sun, and tax solar real estate to help pay off our present $5,000,000,000,000 (trillion) national debt. At the introductory bargain price of only a dollar an acre, we could accumulate a national debt a hundred times its present pittance, and still have something left over for an ambitious project or two. Part of the genius of the American way is how we Americans look at things. Americans know there is no problem that can't be creatively solved by simply changing our point of view, jiggling a few numbers, and making the necessary adjustments. If we think we can cook the books here on earth, just wait and see how easily they'll baste on the surface of the sun, and beyond.

The sun is a star with a bright future, scientists tell us, expected to burn for many prosperous administrations to come. America needs the sun, and the sun needs America and the American way.

Check out Steve's cartoons series: Screw the Planet