I'll Bet You're Drunk, and I Can Prove It!

by Doc Carney

The headline sounds pretty outrageous, I admit, but the fact is that it's accurate. Wherever you are now, whether or not you've taken a drink, even if you've never taken a drink, you are, at the discretion of the police, legally drunk.

I hope I have your attention now. And, of course, most of you are not drunk. But if you should happen to stumble into one of the ever increasing number of roadblocks springing up across the state, and across the nation, you can be charged with drunk driving at the absolute whim of any officer who happens to stop you.

The reason for this lies in the nature of the "field sobriety test," which is designed in such a way that most people cannot pass it.

The test itself is completely subjective, that is, open to the interpretation of the officer who is administering the test.

Though the complete test consists of several parts, failure of any part gives the officer the discretion to place you under arrest, have your car towed, and you transported to the jail of his choice.

To illustrate my point, however, I'll discuss only one of these tests, trusting that when you fail it you will dutifully call the police and have them pick you up.

Purpose: To test your motor/mechanical skills, your divided sense of attention and your ability to process information.

The Test

You've got to try this - if you can't do it, you're drunk!

First you must stand on one foot (your choice) with your hands at your sides and the other foot extended to the front about thirty inches. Then, while maintaining this ridiculous and unfamiliar posture, tilt your head back and close your eyes. Now count to thirty by thousands, i.e., one thousand, two thousand, etc. You must remain steady and not wobble.

Did you make it? If you didn't, sorry, but you're drunk. As a law abiding citizen, it is now your duty to report to jail, where you will be held on $5,000 bond, which you must post before you can be released. Think the jail is overcrowded and you'll be released on your own recognizance? Wrong! The Delaware County jail now has so much space they're renting out space to the state. You'll need a bondsman.

The bondsman will charge you ten percent of the bond, probably in the neighborhood of $500. But that's just the start. You'll also need a lawyer, unless you're foolish enough to try to represent yourself in court. An average lawyer will charge you in the neighborhood of $750 for one appearance. A good lawyer may charge twice that. Let's assume you go for a cheapie lawyer - you're now out $1,250, and you're still not home free.

If you're found guilty, you can add another $500 (or more) in fines and court costs, for a total investment of around two thousand dollars, give or take a buck or two.

If you're very, very lucky, or if your attorney is very, very good, you might get by with a six-month suspension of your drivers license. If you're luckier yet, the judge might smile on you and let you retain a "limited use" license, so that you can drive back and forth to work, earning the money to pay your fines and attorney fees. But you could be unlucky and really get soaked.

The best advice I have for you is to do as I do - if you must drink, drink at home. If Duane Murray, Charlie Vest, Aaron Bell, Brian Webb, Phil Kern or my baby brother is playing at your favorite pub, take a taxi or a designated driver. If you must drive, I suggest you drink Salty Dogs (minus the vodka). They taste good, have lots of vitamin C, and won't get you in trouble.

Be careful out there folks. The boys in blue will bust your butt in a heartbeat.

This rant was previously published in The Patriot News, specializing in social and political satire, jokes, commentary, streaming midi music and games.