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Bill and Al's Excellent Adventure

by Willy Chaplin

A few weeks back, at the very beginning of the Tailgate scandal (see: The BIG Lie!), I made the fearless prediction that this affair would NOT disappear any time soon. Why was it fearless? Because it quickly became apparent that the American public couldn't care less in whose mouth Billy Bob sticks his presidential penis. Indeed, as more and more details emerged about the methodology used by attack doggy Ken, not only did the President's popularity rise to record heights, but the media spotlight switched from the Sodomist in Charge to our venerable Grand Jury system, with all its warts and wrinkles. But, it DIDN'T go away.

Furthermore, I also maintained at that time that Tailgate, despite its apparent triviality, was going to become one of the most important political concerns of the decade because of what it reveals about our national consciousness concerning telling the truth. Remember, Bill Clinton, radiating all his boyish charm, looked YOU straight in the eye and...LIED THROUGH HIS TEETH! As time goes on, this carefully videotaped event will be ever more frequently replayed as the whole truth becomes more apparent. I confidently predict that Clinton's popularity will plummet when it really begins to sink in just how brazen a liar this man really is. Not only will it become clear that he has lied through his teeth about Monica, but what about all those other lies? I know, I know! ALL politicians lie all the time and WE ALL know it. But, do we really want to be reminded of it so ostentatiously?

This episode is also going to prove to be fortuitous for libertarian politics as well. Why? Because both liberals and conservatives have been writhing uncomfortably in the media glow. The former is stuck with having to defend a monumental sleazebag (who talks the talk even though he doesn't walk the walk) while the latter is crushed by the apparent indifference of the voting public to his extremely UN-family values. Feminists have been sent scurrying for cover trying to ignore the fact that Bill (like Clarence and Anita) was Monica's "superior." And, what do hard right conservatives tell their children about the many faces of cocksucking? The only thing worse, from these morality CEBBTOs' point of view would have been if the person who had turned out to be tongue fondling Willy Boy's dick had been MORRIS Lewinsky instead of Monica. Indeed, it is interesting to contemplate just how forgiving the entire body politic would have been had Clinton turned out to be a switch hitter. But, that is another story...

We libertarians can and should take a consistent position on the whole matter. We don't care either what Clinton does in private with consenting adults in his spare time. But, we must demand that he...and ALL OTHER POLITICIANS...come clean about the substantive events of our age. As I write this, we are poised on the brink of war with Iraq, with nothing but nebulous goals and official obfuscations to guide us. As just one example, what was the role of the U.S. in providing Saddam with the capacity to make weapons of mass destruction in the first place? I recall that he was our good buddy when Iran was the media satanic beast and Iraq was slaughtering Iran's child soldiers using terribly grotesque methods.

Anyway, events are about to propel the whole affair to a much higher level. Not only are the rats leaving Clinton's sinking ship, but the Mother of all Distractions is proving to be a non-starter with the American people. Recently, here in Minneapolis (Minnesota, USA) where I live, U.N. Ambassador Bill Richardson was heckled off the stage when he attempted to make the administration's feeble case for bombing Iraq. Protesters called him a "liar" and "murderer," very strong epithets for this stage of public awareness. During the Vietnam War, it wasn't until the conflict had ground on for almost a decade, with thousands of U.S. deaths, before a large number of people began to adopt such viewpoints about our leaders. Besides, it appears that Saddam is about to back off once again...however temporarily.

As for the other rats, you need only take note that former Arkansas governor Jim Guy Tucker has recently agreed to plead guilty (to fraud, in the Whitewater affair) and to "turn state's evidence," to know that the Starr's hounds are nipping at Clinton's heels at last. This man stands to reveal mucho plenty about the background dealings at high levels in Arkansas politics.

More to the point of current events, Vernon Jordan, that fixer of fixer's has suddenly begun to back off from defending Clinton and is concentrating on saving his own golden ass. Why golden? Well, this man who became famous for his involvement in the early civil rights movement, long ago sold out completely, with hardly a backward glance at the people he left behind, to corporate interests. Not only does he sit on many boards of directors of many major multinational corporations (among them: Xerox, Union Carbide, Banker's Trust, American Express, J.C. Penney and Sara Lee, not to mention Revlon, the very company that offered Monica Lewinsky a posh job at Jordan's urging just after she lied under oath about her dealings with Clinton), but he has been a confidant of no less than Nixon, Reagan and Bush before sucking up to the current Most Valuable Player. Jordan's corporate buddies are monumentally indifferent as to who sits in the Presidential chair or to which party he belongs. And, so must Vernon be. So, he now asserts that he was totally unaware of any hanky-panky on Clinton's part and was acting innocently when he served as meta-pimp and fix-a-dilliac. Why Bill told him right to his face that he had no sexual relations with "that woman." Yeah, right!

I wonder how VJ will serve Al Whats-his-name when he takes office as temporary president in the next month or so. You didn't think I had forgotten about Al, did you? I know it is ever so easy to do so. Anyway, it is rumored that the Vice President is "clean" as a whistle. Do you believe that? If so, I have a bridge over the East River connecting Manhattan and Brooklyn that I would like to sell you.

Talk to you later...

CEBBTOs: Those who wish to (C)control (E)verybody's (B)ehavior (B)ut (T)heir (O)wn.

Willy Chaplin is a man who calls himself a libertarian and thinks he has something to say to us all. This rant was previously published on How Can You Laugh at a Time Like This?